Today, let’s review one of the more unusual sports that I’ve just become aware of thanks to the internet. No, we’re not talking about curling. Rather, it’s a game of brains and brawn- chess boxing.
The Dutch (not to be confused with the Danish, who make great pastries and lousy swordsmen) came up with this sport around 2006. Invented by the Dutch artist Lepe Rubingh, chess boxing consists of eleven rounds which is made up of four minutes of chess and followed by two minutes of boxing.
Personally, I think Mr. Rubingh should be giving an award for this ingenious combination of thought and violence. If you never have watched a chess match before, imagine watching a golf match. Then make it ten times more dull.
However, the issue is finding the right sort of people to play the game. Most boxers cannot form a complete sentence and most chess players know that boxing can really, really hurt a lot. But I have an idea that could help this sport take the world by storm and bring it into the Olympics.
Why don’t we throw mixed martial arts into the recipe and have chess kick boxing instead of just chess boxing. Imagine Garry Kasparov going up against an MMA fighter to see who would win the title. No longer will chess become the sport of ‘nerds’ and ‘geeks’, but young boys in America who love to do nothing more than blow things up and fart in their friends faces would be hooked. Instead of them going ‘Dude, did you see that guy just beat the snot out of him’, they would be saying things like ‘Awh dude, he opened up with the Ruy Lopez. What’s he thinking?’
So parents of America, if you want your young boys to become better thinkers, put a chess board in front of them and a timer. After they whine for four minutes about having to play chess, when the timer goes off be ready to yell ‘Round one! Fight!’ and let your little brats beat the ever-loving piss out of each other for two minutes. Then make them sit down and play again. I’m sure they, your neighbors, and your school, will thank you for it later. Maybe . . .