By applying our propriety predictive algorithm, we are able to determine what news stories will break in the next week. This week’s major stories:
- On Wednesday afternoon, a large object will splash down in Lake Erie. It will be the Columbia Command Module from the Apollo 11 Mission. Neil Armstrong, Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin, Jr, and Command Module Pilot Michael Collins emerge, still as young as they were in 1969. They will claim to just now be returning from their mission to the moon. A confused press will gather at the scene, but a fleet of black vans will arrive to secret away the three astronauts before they are interviewed. The older Aldrin, who returned to Earth in 1969, is questioned about the strange turn of events. He punches the reporter in the face and then is never seen or heard from again.
Predictive Photo of Columbia Command Module being recovered in Lake Erie.
- Unable to survive for long outside the spotlight of the tabloid media, both Lindsay Lohan and Kim Kardashian fake their own deaths Tuesday evening. They appear together on the network morning shows the following day to discuss their lives and provide color commentary for their own funerals.
- Republican Presidential hopefuls descend on Ottawa for the Ontario Provincial Primary. It will be three days before any American consults a map and realizes the mistake.
- In lighter news, a man uses monkeys as projectiles in his slingshot when holding up a convenience store. Film at 11.
- In weather, hurricanes gain sentience, threatening major U.S. cities and demanding that we recognize them by their proper birth names. Unfortunately, all we hear is a really loud “whoooooshing” sound.
Stay tuned to Thotplaces News. Your source for news – BEFORE it happens.