By applying our propriety predictive algorithm, we are able to determine what news stories will break in the next week. This week’s major stories:

• In a surprising show of transparency, China will revise their official census count. It seems there is NOT over a billion people in China. In reality, there’s only 262. The rest are terracotta statues.

This explains the lack of chairs in China.

• On Thursday, there will be a minor zombie outbreak inside a parking garage. Fortunately, it’s only one zombie who can’t get past the parking garage gate and then gets himself trapped in the elevator when he accidentally hits the Emergency Stop button instead of the door open button. Authorities promptly respond and put him down.

• In lighter news, after 40 years someone finally mans up and helps that poor “Hang In There” kitten down.

• In weather, a series of clouds is seen over America that depict the Epic of Gilgamesh in sequential order. Unfortunately, by the time you get your friend to look up, they will have morphed into vague puppy shapes.

Stay tuned to Thotplaces News. Your source for news – BEFORE it happens.