It’s spring time. Baseball has started. America’s past time is slowly beginning to pick up speed and we will soon be starting the 162 game season that is baseball’s regular season. And as always, there will be news stories about our favorite players suspended for using some sort of performance enhancing drug or another. Which leads to an interesting question: Why doesn’t one of the most boring sports in America encourage their players to take these drugs so as to get more fans?
I mean, who in their right mind would seriously sit back and spend all day watching golf on T.V.? A guy (or lady if you’re watching, God help you, an LPGA tournament) hits a small white ball into trees, sand, water, or sometimes if their lucky, short grass. Eventually, they hit the ball in a hole but they don’t win a free game. Try it as much as they can, the founders of the PGA cannot make golf interesting. True, Tiger Woods was going to be the Golden Child who would bring the world to enjoy the ‘wonders’ of golf. But now, we’re more interested in how much tail a golf player can get.
So, imagine what would happen if we just juiced up a few of the players at a time. The soft spoken announcers would have to change their style. “Jack lines up his shot. Here’s his swing. And . . . . HE’S KNOCKED THE COVER OFF THE BALL! Watch it . . . it’s sailed over the hole and it’s still going. HE KNOCKED IT HALF WAY TO THE NEXT HOLE!” Fans would be cheering. Girls would be taking off their bras in excitement. Okay, well, the PGA could hire women in their 20′s to attend the games to do this, considering the median age of female spectators is about 55.
Soon, the players would be able to really interact with the fans. Too much steroids and soon fans could make golf into a full contact sport. Your least favorite player comes to the tee. You cough violently as he starts his swing. He stops and looks at you. You ask for a glass of water. He glares and starts his swing again. Another coughing fit. After several times you’re running away as the player is running after you with his driver, ready to drive your head off of your neck. Soon, the PGA would rival the WWE for excitement.
So, if the creators, founders, or whoever they are of the PGA are reading, head down to the New York Yankees locker room and ask the equipment manager for some steroids. And once that takes off, maybe you can hit up some local drug dealers. Imagine a golfer on acid, trying to convince the ball it’s going to be okay. He’s just going to send him back to his home.