So when you’re growing up, you’ve learned how to avoid being destroyed by a nuclear bomb, how to put a fire out when you are on fire, and how to say no when a stranger offers you drugs. However, has the federal government taken the necessary steps to educate us what to do when the zombies are released into the world? Sadly, the United States does not seem to take an attack by the undead as a serious threat. Therefore, we have gone ahead and put together this simple guide to help preserve the youth of tomorrow.
Gather up as many friends as possible:
There are several reasons behind this. First, there is safety in numbers. If you’re a pansy who screams at a spider stuck to the driver side window of your car, then facing flesh eating zombies by yourself is probably not a good idea.
Make friends with several large, burly football player types who could easily protect your pansy hide.
Second, extra people means the chance of someone to spout the occasional witty statement. Running from the undead is a serious thing, and as anyone in the field of battle can tell you, you need the occasional wisecrack to lighten the mood,.
Finally, extra people means extra food for the zombies. I know this may sound mean and heartless, but think about it. You have a group of ravenous zombies on your tail and you’re coming up to a brick wall. Which makes more sense? Putting your fists up and hope for the best while fighting them off? Or letting the two geniuses running with you put their fists up while you jump on their shoulder and climb up the wall to live another day? That’s what I thought. See you’re a horrible person too.
Head for the closest hardware store or strip mall:
There are actually two positives with this move. First, if there is a hardware store in your area, this would be the wisest choice to run for. Let Home Depot be your one stop zombie armory. Here you would have full access to a wide array of hedge trimmers, axes, and chainsaws to chop the unwitting undead into tiny zombie pieces. No Home Depot in your area? Not to worry, Walmart has a large variety of heavy arsenal weapons: chainsaws, guns, steak knives, and sometimes even a sharp edged ottoman.
The second positive works only after the invasion has been neutralized. As most of the neighborhood has been killed off by the undead, it is safe to say that the survivors wouldn’t mind you taking some product from the store as a thank you. And, if they do mind, I won’t say anything if they accidentally get shot by you because you thought their pale complexion was actually zombie skin.
Head to Alaska:
After the initial onslaught of shuffling zombies has been taken care of, it best to head for the safest spot in the world: Alaska. Why Alaska you might ask? If nothing else, movies have proven that zombies don’t like the cold. And since Alaska is . . . well . . . Alaska, once you head there, you’re in the clear. Of course, if you happen to run into Eskimo zombies, then all bets are off and we will not be held liable for your death at the hands of that freak of nature.
We hope that you appreciated this public service announcement to save your life from the undead.