Imagine that you wake up tomorrow and find the world has gone to poop. I mean really gone to poop. Like that corner Starbucks, where the barista never gets your order correct even though you come in every morning and order the same thing, is now a smoldering pile of rubble. Or the nearby highway is home to the Gridlock from Hell as all the unmanned vehicles have merged together into a train of shiny metal wreckage of seemingly endless length. Or that all lines of communication have been lost, including your high-speed broadband access to this blog (eek!).
As part of our continuing coverage of MayanPocalypse 2012, we bring this Preparatory Survival Guide for just such a horrible morning. Contained herein is, for the most part, the things you need to consider if you want to make the transition from civilization-to-stone-age denizen a smooth one. (Please note: our Proprietary Predictive Algorithm is having a difficult time ascertaining the exact nature of the MayanPocalypse – it keeps giving us “Reply Hazy, Please Try Again” – so we’ve tried to include a number of possible scenarios that we may see play out).
It’s important to remember that, since the lines of communication will likely be down, you may want to follow these links and learn these things now instead of later. And with that segue in place, let’s begin with topic number…
1. COMMUNICATION
It’s not hard to imagine that whether the MayanPocalypse is a world-wide series of natural disasters (hurricanes, volcanoes, earthquakes, etc.), an alien invasion, or the Rapture/Armageddon, the result is going to be a severing of communication lines – specifically cell phones, internet access, possibly even a disturbance in radio waves. So how then does one communicate with the outside world? Let’s look to the past and resurrect three sure-fire communication techniques.
Unless you want to purchase Official Thotplaces branded Semaphore Flags, you can probably use any sheet or piece of material in place of an actual flag. Semaphore is a great way to communicate at a reasonable distance with no existing infrastructure, unlike…
B. Morse Code
If you can access any existing communication lines, you can use Morse Code to communicate. In reality, any method of signaling with the ability to do short bursts (either in sound or light) can work for Morse Code. Although tapping your foot on the ground is an acceptable method, the distance the sound travels is so small that you might as well speak with an inside voice and communicate that way.
This is a bit trickier. It’s important to realize that not all pigeons are Carrier Pigeons. I discovered this after spending six months attaching notes to the feet of pigeons at the park and getting nothing in return but some scratches and lice.
2. FOOD AND WATER
Chances are that even when the world ends, your biological needs will not. Therefore, you must give some consideration to where you will procure sustenance. I imagine roving gangs of violent mutant people will make traveling long distances difficult, so I recommend going local. Extremely local.
Home Farming – Grow what you can in your own backyard (and if you need more space, take your neighbor’s backyard). From my understanding, you have to watch out for rabbits. They are rascally.
Or, if farming isn’t your thing, you could always go the hunter-gatherer route. Just remember, however, that carrying capacity for a world of hunter-gatherers is something like 100 million. So, eventually, SOMEONE is going to have to start farming. Come on people, if ants can do it, there’s no reason you can’t.
Finally, you need to find a source of water. This is going to depend greatly on where you are to begin with. Start with abandoned stores and buildings, but you’ll likely need to move on to capturing and purifying rain water or creating a desalination system. I plan to find the nearest Dr. Pepper bottling plant and setting up my new home there.
3. PROTECTION
Regarding the aforementioned gangs of violent mutant people (or alien invaders, or attacking race of subterranean lava monsters, or whatever), you will need protection. In the United States, this isn’t a problem. There’s a gun around every corner and two under every Texan’s truck seat. But in other parts of the world that are gun deprived, you will need to fashion your own weapons for protection. Or, for taking your neighbor’s backyard by force in the event that you want to add another row of cabbage to your home farm. As a last resort, you can always go hand-to-hand:
4. SHELTER
If you don’t currently have shelter, or if that shelter is destroyed during the MayanPocalypse or in the ensuing chaos, you will need to know how to put some basic shelter together.
I think that about covers the basics of survival in a post-MayanPocalyptic world. Remember, people, we’re humans and we’re pretty good at surviving and thriving.
Now let’s get out there, survive some Hell and play fair.
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The information in this article is not necessarily the viewpoint of Thotplaces Mega Media Giant and Tire Center, Inc. or even the author of this article. No guarantees are made for the accuracy of information in the article or associated links. Reader assumes all responsibility for death and destruction that results from following the information contained herein, especially that crazy flag signaling thing.
